Best Practices of the Resident Social, Child, and Family Coordinators

I’d love to hear from the men on this one, but at least in my circle, why does it seem that the woman is the social coordinator in the family? I’m not kidding when I say my husband wouldn’t have any friends if it weren’t for me. We wouldn’t have any couple friends, either.

I’ve tried to sit back and see if John would reach out to our couple friends to schedule a get-together. But even when he and the man in the couple are close, no dice. He’s perfectly willing to be told, “We have a dinner date tonight” and go with the flow. Kind of makes me crazy, but I do get to see who I want, when I want, so I’m not exactly complaining. BUT being social coordinator does put an extra responsibility onto my already-full plate.

Here are a few ways I handle these responsibilities that might be helpful to you:

Scheduling time with friends. I make sure I connect with good friends in a meaningful way about four times a year. I’m not suggesting rigid scheduling (“Ooops, you’ve had your designated visit this quarter”). To the contrary, scheduling actually helps you make sure a year doesn’t go by without a visit. If you’re not careful, good friends can accidentally slip away. Each time a visit ends, look ahead on your calendar and schedule the next visit. My friends have honestly told me they appreciate my being proactive in nurturing our friendships. They even ask jokingly, “Hi! Are you calling to schedule our next play date?” If I don’t call, they wonder why, and call me. Be careful that you’re not doing all the work, however; if your friends really want to hang out with you, they should take the initiative once in a while.

Planning family gatherings. Similarly, I often wonder if I didn’t make the calls and coordinate holidays and family activities, would we ever see each other? About a month before a big day, I look at the upcoming holidays, if any, and email the entire family (done easily with a distribution list in Outlook or a group in ACT). I suggest a date and time that would work best with my schedule and get input from my family. By now, they’re used to keeping holidays open until Laura dutifully sends out her family communication. If something comes up early for one of them, I actually get a call requesting a particular day. It’s pretty funny at this point. And honestly, I don’t mind doing the planning. For all I joke about it with them, I always get to schedule it the way that it’s most convenient for me. My family members are pretty good about saying, “It’s my turn to host,” but if you’ve had them over too many times, don’t hesitate to suggest a get-together at another house.

Coordinating school activities, sports, and social plans. Children lead busy lives, don’t they? I’ve heard the phrase “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet until you have teenagers,” so I know future years will become even more complicated. Even though John and I share activity-coordination duties, I’ve found it’s easier if one person takes responsibility for divvying up the jobs. Each Sunday night, we bring our calendars to the family pow-wow and review the upcoming week: who has a birthday party and who is driving to and from; who has a Bible study class and will need the other to watch the kids; when do I have a speaking engagement and won’t be able to pick up the children from daycare; what work is due at school; who needs a permission slip and money for a field trip; when is show-and-tell and who will cover getting the item in the backpack; where do we have dinner plans and when will we ask Grandma to come over and put the kids to bed. You get the idea. We review and plan anything and everything that’s likely to happen and cover our bases. We also do some advance planning at this point and discuss what’s come up since last week: vacation plans, airline tickets to purchase, etc. The kids only need to be involved for the first part of the pow-wow. John and I connect for another 30 minutes or so over a glass of wine (which always makes it fun).

Getting ready for guests. The holidays usually bring with them family members and friends from out-of-town. They usually want to bunk with you and have you play tour guide. For many, hosting guests can be stressful because it changes your routine and personality, and can put a strain on your time. In part, however, stress gets created because you rush around at the last minute pulling things together, making beds, cleaning the house, and shopping for food. If you’re proactive, you’ll start getting ready for a visit weeks before they roll into town. Buy extra supplies, make plans for entertainment, and set up the guest room. My favorite idea comes from my own Daddykins and his wife Naamah who, when my children are visiting for a sleepover, pretend their home is a “Bed and Breakfast.” The children are greeted at the door, sign the register, receive their keys and guest amenities (usually small water bottles, snacks, bars of soap and toiletries), and check into their rooms that are labeled with the corresponding room number received at check-in. Imagining your home as a B&B in this way will help you think through what would make your guests most comfortable. If your in-laws tend to be flaky and not decide until the last-minute whether they are coming, simply explain that you will be excitedly preparing for their visit and will need to know by (x) date whether they are coming or not. If you don’t have a firm answer by then, your family will be making other plans. Take a deep breath, follow through on this a few times, and they will be more cooperative in the future, once they discover you are really serious.

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Q:Hi Laura,

I'm a VP of Engineering for a financial software firm. I'm constantly finding that my mind is being interrupted by various thoughts (most often my “to-do” list) throughout the day offering very limited attention and concentration on the task at hand. For example, I'm only picking up small parts of 1-1 conversations, have to re-read things multiple times before I “get it”, and my mind tends to drift in meetings (I've even asked questions to things that have already been answered minutes before). This sort of mental competition very often continues when I leave the office.

Have you heard this one before? Do I need medication (seriously)?

Thanks,

Walt

A: Walt,

No, you do not need medication. If you did, hundreds of thousands of workers just like you would also be on medication. You just need to learn to concentrate and clear your brain. When your brain is too overloaded, it’s nearly impossible to focus on anything. Overtaxed brains, bombarded by so many demands, actually begin to shut down. Have you ever walked into work one morning, looked at all the piles of paper everywhere, notes from your colleagues, emails in your inbox, and just started laughing? Your brain says, “I have no idea what to do first or where to begin, so I’m just going to stop making decisions altogether!”

Here are some ideas to give your mind a break and increase your focus and concentration:

Create structure and deadlines. Your short-term memory is horrible when you’re on overload. Ask your manager and coworkers to put everything in writing. A simple trip to the restroom can be dangerous, as people way-lay you en route with assignments. Simply be honest and say, “I don’t have anything to write with, and I guarantee you I will forget that. Please send me an email about this.” Deadlines help the brain put things into the proper order. Brief weekly meetings with your manager to discuss upcoming priorities may be helpful. Checklists for your regular daily tasks work well.

Ignore uninvited or unwelcome requests for your time. If someone speaks to you when you pass in the hall, protocol dictates that you respond. Not so with email and voicemail. The corporate etiquette has changed. You don’t have to respond to every message, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Some messages simply don’t require a response. Doesn’t it make you crazy when an FYI email was sent to a group of ten colleagues and someone has to “Reply to all” with a smug “I agree”? Arrrgghhh! My mother always taught me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I can extrapolate that to be, “If you don’t have something to add, don’t say anything at all.” Even taking the time to say “no” politely can consume a big chunk of your time. Savvy professionals don’t take it personally when people don’t call back; they just move on to another prospect.

Guard your attention. The biggest attention-management culprit I see in the workplace today is instant messaging. You’re right in the middle of reviewing those budget figures, and PING, a coworker asks you a question. You answer and try again to get focused, and PING, someone asks how you’re doing with a little smiley face. Ping! Ping! Ping! You can get so many little windows open at once on your screen that it’s virtually impossible to work. Like so many others, I have turned off my instant messaging function so I can concentrate. Some people haven’t discovered you can “block” messages or take yourself off of buddy lists. If you’re busy with something, go off-line or “invisible.” That way it appears you are offline and unavailable to chat. Unless you work in or interface with customer service or sales, and you need to get or give answers to real time questions—quick—while you have a customer on the phone, turn it off.

Phone and TV aids. Consider getting “caller ID.” You can tell who’s calling and decide whether to accept the interruption. In a similar vein, some people swear by TiVo to record television shows. That way, they can watch them without all the distractions of the commercials, at a time that’s convenient for them.

Do something “mindless.” Some activities have meditative qualities to them: They are repetitive, boring, or don’t require a lot of thinking, such as ironing, needlework, or reading. Time just seems to float by, and the mind slows down. For me, exercise is like this. My best ideas come to me on the treadmill, because I’m focused and my mind is quiet.

Take a deep breath. When your brain is taxed, deep breathing can help restore focus. Sit in a comfortable position, arms at your sides, and shoulders relaxed. Exhale as completely as you can through your mouth, with the chest and abdominal area collapsing and falling inward. Inhale slowly through your nose to the count of five, making your abdomen rise. Your chest, rib cage, and shoulders should not move at all. Exhale slowly through your mouth to the count of ten, sucking in your abdomen. Do 10 to 15 cycles of this breathing for a complete feeling of calm.

Put some of these techniques into play, and you will be well on your way to feeling “normal” again.

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NEW! Extreme Job Required: Surviving the 60-Plus Hour Workweek

This presentation is suited only to “extreme job” holders: those working a minimum of 60 hour workweeks (typically more like 80-100 hours), who are high earners, and have fast-paced jobs with an inordinate scope of responsibility, often under tight deadlines, an unpredictable flow of work, availability to clients 24/7, a large number of direct reports, and a large amount of travel. Our goal is to try to lower stress and resulting burnout and turnover by reducing the number of hours worked by at least five hours per week, while achieve the same results, without reducing customer service or quality. We will discuss challenges in a circle of like-minded peers and share formulas for success and shore up weaknesses.

Course Objectives

• Make decisions and disposition work more quickly.
• Mentor and train others to take over some of your responsibilities.
• Challenge redundancies and tighten inefficient processes and systems.
• Contract out low-function household tasks with concierge services.
• Travel more effectively and get more done during waiting times.
• Take advantage of technology without letting it control you.
• Repair damaged relationships and create rituals with loved ones.
• Take care of yourself with better sleep habits, exercise, and diet.
• Take advantage of available company work/life programs.
• Organize your email, paper, and time effectively.
• Reduce unrealistic expectations of other people and be easier to get along with.
• Watch the perfectionism: yes, others can do as well as you can.
• Try to wrap your mind around (gasp!) a two-week vacation.
• Set reasonable boundaries to keep your work from destroying your personal life.